Tyner Switches Parties

April 1, 2010 - Via: HV News Staff

After a chance meeting with conservative pundit Glenn Beck, local County Legislator Joel Tyner has decided to switch parties and become a Republican.

"Who knew Glenn Beck liked the bar at the Beekman Arms?" said a starstruck Tyner.

In a press release, Tyner said, "Over a couple of non-alcoholic beers, Glenn Beck showed me the error of my ways and after some serious soul-searching, I've decided to join my new pal Glenn and start standing up for the wealthy residents of Dutchess County, who are really going through some tough times with the plummeting stock market and dwindling 401(k) plans. And I'm worried sick about the weekenders. They've been hit very hard by the Obama recession."

In another press release, Tyner said his first order of business as a Republican would be to impose a 300% surcharge on riders of the LOOP bus system and use the money to build a new clubhouse at the Red Hook Country Club.

"I spent so much time and energy making those damn hybrid buses happen, and I never even got so much as a 'thank you' from those bottom-feeding bus riders," Tyner said. "And plus, according to Glenn, most of them don't even vote. How will I ever advance my political career if I keep pandering to these losers?"

During a press conference announcing his political transformation, Tyner and Beck appeared on the steps of the county office building in Poughkeepsie with the dead body of a horse. The horse's rotting corpse had the word "PROGRESSIVE" spray-painted on it.

At the close of the press conference, Tyner and Beck proceeded to beat the dead horse with Tyner's autographed copy of "A People's History of the United States" by Howard Zinn.

In yet another press release, Tyner said he now believes the county's practice of incinerating trash should be continued, a stark contrast to the zero-waste initiative he pushed as a Democrat.

"I've been fighting for the environment for decades now, and where has it gotten me?" Tyner said. "Screw the environment."

Reached for comment at his home in New Canaan, Conn., Beck said he didn't know what to make of Tyner at first.

"So I was sitting at the bar, drinking my O'Doul's, when this excited, fast-talking guy from Clinton, N.Y. came in to yell at me for comparing Obama to Hitler," he said. "He continued talking and talking and talking all night, but I have no idea what he was saying. I don't really listen to people who disagree with me."

Beck says he did his best to ignore Tyner and let him continue talking until closing time while he shook hands with fans at the Beekman Arms.

"With a guy like Joel Tyner, it's kind of like going fishing," Beck said. "You've gotta let him fight until he gets tuckered out and gives up. Then you reel him in."

With Tyner exhausted and suffering a crippling case of cotton mouth, Beck wooed Tyner to the Republican party with tales of Ronald Reagan's political triumphs over freedom-hating liberals.

"I'm just a guy who cares an awful lot about his country," sobbed a weepy Beck.

"Having a guy like Tyner on our side simply makes America safer," he added. "Plus, we both have the same barber."